Loving Hurts but Love Heals

Thoughts from the missions field this holiday season. Finding myself in the dirt digging to get lower, reaching out and feeling so close to the feet of my Beloved Saviour, asking for more of His grace. It’s a dirty place but I know it’s exactly where I should be and lower is where I need to go.

It’s easy to give a present to a family member you love or bring a gift to an exchange knowing you won’t leave empty handed. It’s harder to buy a gift for the person who’s continuously stolen from you or sold what you gave them to buy alcohol. It’s harder to prepare a feast when everyday your ears are flooded with more wants, insults and complaints about the food while the pantry somehow gets magically emptier everyday. My flesh wants to refrain from giving gifts to the greedy heart and feed the complaining stomach. But at the same time I’m consumed with overwhelming love for these people I call my family and desire for them to feel the graceful, forgiving, freely giving, merciful and powerful love of Jesus this Christmas season.

Instead of questioning God over and over as to why He’s called me to love these people and why He’s asked me to give everything I have to these ones, I thank God for the opportunity to love these ones that remind me of His grace for me everyday. With overwhelming hate for my flesh that says they aren’t worthy or deserving, I am reminded that I was at one time neither worthy or deserving. But Gods graceful and merciful heart sent His son to give everything He had without hesitation, with the hopes that I ( His daughter ) would be transformed by such an act of love and be reconciled with my Father , Creator and King. In that place where my heart was transformed, I was selfishly living only for me not aware that I was hurting those around me and did what I had to do for my own self. In that place God still called me worthy to be shown His love and deserving of the gift of life, which cost Him everything.

To give now, should cost me everything. So to give this Christmas season is to be determined not by what I am giving and who is deserving but, by the cost and that cost should be everything. My ability to give everything and anything because of His love for them (because honestly my love only can get so far), because they deserve to know grace, they deserve to know they are worthy and because my everything spent is worth more when it’s to gain a greater need and hunger for more grace, more love, and understanding of what Jesus did for me and my life. It’s worth more when I see hearts softened, hear a thank you and see people walk into the beauty of a new life.

This life should cost me all my time, all my money, all my resources and all my love to give because to give anything less would be to give away a cheap version of the gospel to a valuable child of God.

Tonight my husband spent the whole night awake in the prayer room with a drunk angry man. This man spat out insults and accusations as well as depressing thoughts and threats. For 10 hours he yelled and fought Clem to run out the door. This man has a mental condition and when he drinks he can suffer seizures that can put him in dangerous situations if no one is with him. It took everything not to let this angry guy run loose on the street; believe me, we thought about it. But once again would we have been giving this valuable heart a cheap version of the gospel?

Sometimes God calls us to love the people in our lives that everyone has given up on and make you turn your cheek until your face might feel unrecognizably bruised. Jesus was beaten until unrecognizable and still made His way up onto the cross until His work here on earth was done.

My prayer this New Year is a prayer for more grace and endurance to keep giving and loving, no matter what the cost, until my work here on earth is done.

Only Entitled to His love

In this season of revelation I stop at the title and find no more words to write
I become frozen with emotion and afraid that if I leave this dwelling thought, then He might leave my sight

Writing beyond this title even removes the eye from the one thing that makes the story complete
Thinking beyond it could cause yourself to grow flowers, from seeds of deceit.

Everyday I find my mind dwelling upon entitlements marked with my time and money
Some things you would say are necessary, others just funny

Like a nutritious meal that’s full of the beautiful colour green
Or a piece of meat that’s been refrigerated and kept lean

Running water that is there for every flush and removal of stains
Electricity that flows constantly so that the light will always remain

Lying sick in a hospital bed, helpless, motionless yet reaching out inside
I struggled to comprehend my situation and not ask God why my healing hides

And when I needed His love the most I realized I had been pushing it aside
Focused on my growing entitlement to healing, was when I was stopped by my pride

Deserving nothing, living with everything and searching for one thing
That’s where I was when His love opened me up and removed death’s sting

So forget what was just read and realize what is written at the head
Of this brief glimpse into a revelation that can be dwelt upon forever

I am only entitled to one thing and that one thing brings me into a secret place
Where disappointment and expectation dissolve because sufficient is His Grace

Everything else becomes a gift that’s given from above
Because all I’m entitled to is His love.

 

The Playground

Becoming a child can be hard for those who see the world through eyes of selfish ambition Instead of going back to the hidden playground of no competition Where laughter shakes the ground and the imagination has no bounds Where pure love swings you up high and the faith to jump allows you to fly

Becoming a child can be hard when you’re shooting to be the next star Rather than helping other friends reach the next monkey bar Because the community of the playground isn’t fun when it only consists of you Even the teeter totter takes two

Becoming a child can be hard for those who think the tough times won’t stop The slide down can’t be enjoying without the hard climb to the top Without letting go of everything to cling to the faith that you will safely land You will never find the courage to repeat the climb and let your feet leave the sand

There’s a hidden playground that’s waiting to be found Where you will never hear anything less than a joyful sound A complicated mind will get in the way of finding what’s always been there Simplicity will open the doors to the greatest adventure that must be shared

At the playground .

-The Playground

Longing for Love

I’m standing on ground that appears to be solid, yet I know there’s so much more. Looking past the surface into the depths of what I truly have been created for

The strength that stirs up within me doesn’t align with the weak state of my flesh and uneasy breath. My hindered sight begins to see a will to move on and press into a hope that is only found beyond death

There’s more to see beyond that which my eyes currently behold. There’s more to feel beyond that which my senses perceive to unfold

The aching goes past the physical elements and works its way into the deepest parts of my soul. It begins to cry out in want and release complete control

And set out on a journey past the surface further than my fragile flesh could ever wander. To decrease the lengths of distance and become ever fonder.

My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth, while my lips are lined with cracks. Drinking the water of this world, my thirst cannot be quenched and my whole being still lacks.

There’s a yearning that’s singing out and a want that’s burning from the depths of my soul. To find satisfaction that goes beyond anything my hands can carry or hold.

The hunger grows and increases as I search for freedoms taste. If I never consumed another thing but the one I long for, this life will not be put to waste

I’m overcome with the constant flickering wick that continuously burns up passion and desire. Feelings that only burn greater as I allow every inch of my being to be consumed in the fire.

I’m searching for closeness that flows deeper than my mind can conceive and penetrates further than my heart has ever felt worthy to believe

While I wait the taste gets sweeter, my soul gets closer and the fire is as hot as the core beneath the crust.  Desire turns to satisfaction and the thirst is quenched as I bathe in the river of trust.

Anticipation becomes the reason for every breath, movement and the beating of my heart.  As I continue to be consumed with the longing for love

” Although the love is perfect, something is still lacking. When He comes, faith will be turned into facts, and praise will replace prayer. Love will consummate in a shadowless perfection, and we will serve Him in the sinless domain. What a day that will be! Lord Jesus, come quickly! ” – Watchman Nee, Song of Songs

In the Moment of Now

My hearts cry –

I want to pay whatever the cost is to never leave your presence. Show me the things that hinder your love from making sense.

I want to remove the things that come between my arms and yours. Take my eyes off the filth of this world and let them see through heavens doors.

His reply-

It costs the abandonment of your past, so that you can be in this special moment of my presence. It costs releasing the control of today over to me without hesitance.

Walking in the present of every moment and not searching ahead for answers. I will show you what your heart really wants and remove all fleshly cancers

My presence will cost you your complete view of self. It means throwing off all the idols you have placed on your shelf

You can only find me in the very moment of right now. When you coming crashing into my grace and your pride begins to bow

A movement that isn’t thought about or planned but the surrender melts you down from where you stand

The price to pay is your life so that I can keep forgiving. After you taste my presence, you will realise you were never really living

Now my love all you gain is eternal years. To stand in my presence means abandoning all your fears

So press into “now” and know it’s the only time that matters. All your insecurities, broken dreams and worries shatter

Until all that can be left is you, purely standing in my presence forever. Made with my love and clothed in royalty, you are my treasure

My presence will cost you the pressure of this world in exchange for play. In the form of a child your Father says “Enjoy today”

So today come, be with me and experience new depths of my love. You can never feel alone with my presence sent from above

In the present is where my presence is found. It’s where the whisper of my voice becomes the sweetest of sounds

 And your tears become offerings poured out on my heart. They allow me to wipe away the things that pull us apart

The cost of my presence is the exchange of morning for dancing. So be prepared to be moved by my songs created for romancing

The more you allow yourself to embrace my lovesick heart for you, the more the old falls off to reveal the new

The more you taste of my love the more the anticipation grows, for one of heavens greatest shows

The wedding day of complete restoration, where your whole body will once again be my divine new creation

And you will be mine and I will be unhinderingly yours forever..

For the Ones Who Carry the Materials

Nehemiah was a man called by God to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. He obeyed what the Lord had asked of him even though he faced massive threats, insults and opposition. Nehemiah being one man could not rebuild everything that was broken on his own.

I have been home for 2 months and I have been blessed and encouraged by people I meet every single day. The Lord is moving right here at home and their are people giving of themselves daily, laying down their lives and stopping to love the ones right before them. It’s incredible ánd has been a huge motivation for me while preparing to go back to Nepal. I often get the feeling though that people don’t even realize the impact they make.

I have had the privilege to speak at many places in the last few weeks and talk to children, youth , married couples, seniors and complete strangers, about what I believe God has called me to do in Nepal at this time in my life. After sharing that I will be moving to a 3rd world country to serve the trafficked, homeless, orphaned and teach women to cut hair for free with no pay and no sustainable means of support, you can get some pretty uplifting responses. 

” That’s incredible, amazing , inspiring, crazy or courageous.” but then comes ” I could never do something like that”

Hidden behind the excitement and support I see from people, I see emotions of being unsatisfied with the way they are living their lives because of comparison and contrast towards mine. 

I find it hard to realize the impact and difference I myself am making in the present after I hear stories or Christians laying down their lives in other countries, feeding thousands and organizations giving relief and sharing the gospel to millions. I am more focused on my life and comparing it that I forget to realize what opportunities God has placed right here and now before me and  no matter whats going on around the world there actually is always away to be apart of it. 

Meanwhile, the people in Judah said, “the strength of the laborers is giving out , and there is so much rubble that we cannot rebuild the wall.” Nehemiah 4:10

We can take our eyes of the Lord and loose site of him in our circumstances. We don’t realize that when we come together, our God will fight for us. (Nehemiah 4:20) Rather than trying to live fighting for ourselves to make sure that we get through this crazy life with a good story, legacy, inheritance for family and having the craziest adventures and experiences. We start to believe in the “pursuit of happiness” forgetting we have already attained the one thing that will make us happiest in the world. 

Nehemiah stationed some people to fight the unprotected parts of the walls, some to rebuild the walls and some to carry the materials. 4:16-18

Now you could look at the wall and give all the credit to the builders. You could realize the safety of the people and give all the glory to the men who fought and you could look at what was once a broken city that is now rebuilt and give all the glory to Nehemiah, the one who didn’t back down.

But what about the ones who carried the materials? 

If they had become discouraged and brought to a place of feeling useless the wall would not have been built. If they had been focused on the roles everyone around them was playing  they would loose site in the importance of  their own. We should not become so consumed with being apart of the biggest thing that we set down the materials we have been given to use.

 In less than 48 hours I get on a plan to move back to Nepal with two suitcases of everything I own but even with out those two bags I lack in nothing, for He has given me everything I need . I am going to be the Lords hands of rebuilding the broken in Nepal but I could not have even started this journey without the people around me. Your prayers, support, encouragement and materials may not see Glory from those around you but I can guarantee you every bit of Glory will be given to God. And it will be shown in the smiles on the children s faces, the first feelings of salvation to the lost and the restoration and love felt by the women He touches. 

My Need for Nepal

Just 3 Months ago I was living out of a little hostel in the beautiful city of Kathmandu, Nepal. I was surrounded by massive mountain ranges with the Himalayas right behind them. You can’t help but be reminded of how big and beautiful the world is and feel like if this were the center of the universe, you would be standing right in the middle of it.

Walking through the city you feel like your stepping back about 100 years and into a culture that is so unfamiliar and different, you can’t help but want to be a part of it. The streets are lined with old wood framed houses, with tiny little doors that will leave your forehead very sore if you’re not careful. The buildings, cars, and houses are dusty and dull colored and the contrast couldn’t be more apparent when you see the most vibrant colors being worn by the women and hung from windows to dry. Then there are the hippies! There is a very unique traveler’s hub in the heart of Kathmandu that is filled with backpackers from all around the globe out on an adventure. This adventure would be so much better for them if they really knew why they were created to abandon so many things, live on less, share their possessions and roam and love the earth the way they do.

These are all still aspects I love about Nepal but after arriving it didn’t take long to discover the things hidden under all of this beauty.

In Nepal..

1.6 million children are in the workforce in Nepal
Girls have it the worst
Every year 16 000 boys and girls are stolen and sold into the slavery of the workforce or trafficked into brothels
Many become pregnant
Come into contact with AIDS
Have abortions.
Children living in the Himalayas are fortunate if they live to see their teen years
Half will DIE before their 8th birthday
Many parents won’t even name their children before their 5th birthday
1 out of 5 will die before the age of 1

In the beginning of this blog, I wrote all the reasons I would want to go back to Nepal. So far in my last year I have traveled to 11 countries and have experienced the most simple lifestyles, breathtaking views, hot sunny climates, friendliest people and the coolest communities of believers. After each month I could give you over 20 reasons why I would want to go back there. In my heart I knew that there is still a massive difference between a want and a need. As much as I would love the hut on the sandy beach by the ocean, I know that right now it’s not where God needs me.
I had been longing for that Aha moment, the large writing in the sky, the booming loud voice and the vision played out as if it was on a television screen. I just needed to know where I was supposed to go next and didn’t want to make the wrong choice. I was so focused on myself that I was totally missing the whole reason why I wanted to be a missionary in the first place. I needed people to experience the love of God and it was that simple.

In the second part, I wrote all the reasons that I need to go back to Nepal. You might think I’m crazy to feel like going back their after reading a list like that one. But after hearing more and more about the things on that list, my heart ached and completely broke for this country. It wasn’t long before I realized that not only did I want to stay longer than just one month in this country but I felt like I needed to get back as soon as possible. God calls people to do crazy things and he sometimes does it in the most amazing ways. But for me I just  knew this country needs to experience the love of God and it’s that simple.

So I prayed and told God that his need for the lost hearts of this country has now become my need. You see God and I share the same heart beats now and the closer I get to him the more I feel it. When my Fathers heart races because women and children are sexually exploited and given no choice but to service over 10 men a day, my heart races too. When His heart aches for the extreme poverty and lack of education for children, mine does too because I can feel it’s movements.
The longer I stayed in Nepal the closer I got to my Fathers heart and he said to “trust in His plan.” That’s when it all started to unfold right before my eyes. I met the crazy people that I had been hoping to meet for a very long time and I am so excited to now call them all my family. They live a life of complete radical obedience and dependency on the Lord and what the word would call insane has never made the most sense to me.

 

I met two of the craziest, humble, patient, selfless and obedient men on the streets of Thamel. These brothers live a life that simply consists of stopping. Stopping for the hungry, stopping for the hurt, stopping for the broken and giving that one person all the love they can pour out.Then I met the two women that have already changed my life and I know it will only continue. These women take girls who have either run away or have been rescued from trafficking and they teach them skills in order to find jobs working in a beauty salon. This allows them to support themselves and feel worthy, talented, respected, accomplished, in control and loved. The biggest gift these girls receive is the Love of God while in this program and many are discipled into strong mighty warriors for God. Lisa and Tanuja have made a way through New Creation Salon to bring restoration, safety, freedom, and redemption to not only the women who come through the program but even those in the slums, villages and at risk girls still stuck in trafficking and prostitution.

This whole year I have found myself in moments of complete aw at how Gods plan is detailed, intimate and perfect. He has revealed to me just how close he has always been to me and that even when I was faithless He has always been faithful. There are song lyrics that sing “Never once did we ever walk alone, never once did You leave us on our own. You are faithful, God you are faithful.” Matt Redman couldn’t have put it into better words.

 

There has been so many times where I have asked these questions. Why do I feel so much more comfortable around the poor and the broken? How is my past of shame and guilt going to be used to bring redemption into the lives of others including myself? I know I was made for a life of radical abandonment because living in a tiny bachelor apartment was even too big for me. When I was 17 I decided to go to hair school out of pure fear that I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life so I might as well pick something. Then I stepped into fear that people see a girl without a university degree and my qualifications to make a difference in this world started to go down. How could all of that be useful for the Kingdom of God?

All of the answers to these questions became so clear to me in Nepal and it wasn’t until I truly trusted my Father. When I took my eyes off myself and put them on the people around me I found answers. It became not a question of should I come back here? But do I feel worthy enough for this place that has been prepared for me? My whole life I have grown up starting something and not finishing it. Whether it was painting, playing music, singing, cutting hair, playing sports or even writing. As soon as I would see someone do it better I would quit. I thought if there are people out there who are more qualified than me, then what’s the point of even t
rying right? I was extremely convicted of depriving my Father of worship and sacrifice when I realized this. God removed this massive root I had inside of me called fear of man when I discover who my talents and gifts were made for, why I was made to use them and that the only one I need to please is that one that can never be displeased with what I give to Him.

When my focus was lifted from me and my life and put onto others my passions came alive. I immediately felt the need to use every part of me to not please others but to serve God. Focused on Him,  I would have no fear of people’s eyes watching me because they wouldn’t be set on me. The biggest question was do I feel worthy of this role? The hardest part about going back to Nepal is not the fundraising, simple living, language barriers and time away from family. It is simply getting the courage to say yes and know that I have been called which means I will be qualified to help love Gods people in whatever capacity I can. To know that I am worthy to go and show people a life that is worth living and know that I have no one to fear.

That is just a little bit of background of how I decided to go back to Nepal. My ticket is booked for August 8th and I am going in full faith that God is providing for me every step of the way. I have no idea how this crazy life will be funded but I have so much peace. In two weeks I’ll be selling everything I own in a massive garage sale but I have so much peace and I will be saying goodbye to my amazing family once again but I still have so much peace. My biggest struggle isn’t fighting against the pressures of this world, but its fighting against myself. Everyday choosing to feel worthy of this amazing adventure I am on.

 

The biggest challenge was not finding a place that fit me perfectly, but it was having the faith and courage to say yes when I did come to that place. Giving your whole life away for the sake of this world might sound hard and painful and sometimes that’s all you feel. But that’s because you haven’t fully given it all away because when you give your whole life away, all you will receive is life to its fullest. Don’t let fear of man stand in the way of serving and worshiping the one who gave you your  passions, desires, dreams and hopes. Everything about your life has been given to you so you can give it back. It’s in that moment that you realize you are alive.